a bench with a view

a bench with a view

Friday, June 15, 2012

Don't forget your coat......

Most of you know that son moved back in with us this past January after a year of being on his own. Mind you, he is 23 years old. It is fun having him back; he's more mature than he was when he left and carries himself with more confidence.  He lost a lot of that "its not cool to be around your parents" that he had when he was in his teens and shortly after high school and actually goes on walks with us with Koda, enjoys helping around the house, having dinner with us, etc. People have commented that they have enjoyed the relationships they have with their adult children and I can honestly say I do enjoy this stage, especially after those turbulent teen years.

We're still getting used to each other with him being here. He's a night owl, we are early birds (actually I'm the early bird, hubby would be a night owl if he didn't work hard not to be one) so often son is settling in for the night when we are getting up to go to the gym. He's pretty considerate when he comes home late, tries to be as quiet as he can. He cleans up after himself, does his own laundry, helps with chores around the house (okay have to admit we do pay him to do some around here, but it is a win-win situation in that things get done and he gets some spending money). He's about 30% on texting us if he's not going to make it home that night; we don't care (well we do but we don't ask) where he is at, but we do ask if he's not coming home to let us know so we don't wonder if something happened to him. He's still hit and miss about that (mostly miss).

I find myself though going back to those days when he was under 18 and I tend to mother him more than I should. Mind you, he lived a year on his own, kept his own schedule, fed himself, got himself to places on time, etc., but now that he is back under my roof, I'm thinking it is my responsibility to make sure he gets up in time for work (he's been doing a great job on his own without me). I fret and worry; will he get up? will he be late? (he did have a habit before of not getting up in time and always running late). Now he is up in plenty of time and out the door in plenty of time, but old habits and thoughts are hard to die so I'm always wondering, worrying, on the days he works.

Then I'm always saying "have you eaten today, are you hungry", "make sure you drink enough water" etc., etc., etc. Its hard to step back and not be the mom in charge.

It is also hard when he leaves to go some place and he calls "bye, love you" to not stop him and inquire "where are you going", "who will you be with" "what time will you be home" like I used to when he was under 18. Of course when I leave and he's still home, I always tell him where I'm going "to the store" "walking Koda" whatever and an approximate time I'll be back.

And I have to say there's been a few nights when he wasn't home when I thought he should be that I will lie awake and wonder "where the heck are you" and "what kind of trouble are you in" and wondering if the phone will ring with the police on the other end or the hospital emergency room. I pray and try not to worry, but I end up worrying much more than I should.....It is always with relief and a thanks to God when I hear his car pull in the driveway or him quietly opening the door. I know other parents I have talked to feel the same way with their young adult children. It is always easier when they didn't live at home to not worry as much as when they did live at home.
It is a delicate balance I play. I feign disinterest a lot when I'm so curious with what is going on with him, relationships, etc., yet I know if I ask him outright he'll clam up. I just have to wait until he talks and just trust in his judgment and of course trust in God.

So tonight he is heading out the door; I know he's out for a "night on the town" by how he is dressed. He says "going to go out to get a bite to eat". I say "have fun, be careful". He says "I will". It is a bit of a cool night here, he's in a tee-shirt and a pair of jeans.

So what do I say "think you'll be warm enough, should you take a coat with you??"........

I don't know, am I the only mom in such a situation that feels like this?

31 comments:

Caroline said...

I understand what you mean , my step-son is 22 & lives with us. I know my children are all still young but I do the same thing. I think you never stop wondering or worrying. It's real love & forever being a parent. I hope that made some sense.

Janice's footsteps said...

YEP BETTY...JUST THE MOM THING AND BELIEVE IT THEY DO LIKE TO BE MOTHERED.
BEING A GOOD MOM IS NOT SOMETHING THAT CAN BE TURNED OFF AND ON, WE CARE AND WATCH OUT FOR OUR CHILDREN'S IT'S OUR JOB FOR LIFE!! HE'S LUCKY TO HAVE YOU :))

Funny in My Mind said...

Since you know of the issues we have had with our 21 year old, I will say I understand completely!
My husband tells me every day that he sees positive changes in the big one but some part of me cannot forget the awful things he said and the trouble he was in.
I am really happy for you that your son is turning himself around!
It gives me so much hope for our future.
Fortunately, we also have a son that gives us very little trouble. I guess he saw how I was losing my mind and decided not to push me.
I pray for continued growth and positive change for your baby.
And he probably needed a jacket! :)

Shelly said...

I think you're doing the right things. It's a whole different set of parameters when they're grown. Kudos for developing a relationship where he enjoys being with you!

I'm mostly known as 'MA' said...

It is different having an adult son living at home. I had just a very few short periods of time between when they were out of college and before a few of them got married with adult children at home. I guess I did the same as you. It was almost a relief when they got married and had homes of their own. They were all open about what they were doing though and always let me know where they were going. The temptation to tell them to button up and be safe never changes though. I still tell them that if I'm around them. Being a mom is something you just cannot stop being no matter how old they are.

Dana said...

As you know, I'm not quite at that stage with my kids, but I can imagine that in a similar situation, I would feel the same way. As much as I worry about them now, I can't imagine not worrying about them just as much (or more) when they're grown.

Lynn Proctor said...

i still ask my sons---32 and 33--married with kids---if they have eaten--be careful----you name it i ask it--i can't help myself---but you are so right, it can be harder when they are living with you and you know way too much---thinking of you :)

Rita said...

My son and I lived together for a year after college (he was helping me out) and it was very different living as roommates. I didn't ask him where he went or with whom, but I did insist that he let me know if he wasn't going to be home. I didn't care if he called at 3 or 4 in the morning--just let me know. In fact, that was my only rule.

But then, he has severe congenital heart defects that have been merely patched up many times and he literally goes till his heart fails and he collapses unconscious and ends up in the hospital--so waking up to him not having been there was too creepy for me. He always called. ;)

Brenda Youngerman said...

Definitely not the only mom who feels like this!
Mine don't even live at home and I am mothering them... to which I normally hear, "Okay Mom, Yes Mom, Mom...I know what I'm doing!"
I guess it doesn't matter how old they are or where they live... they are still our babies and we want to make sure they are safe (and warm) :)
Have a great weekend Betty!

banning brewd said...

hehehe...i had been out of the house for 5 years when i got married...before my wedding my parents asked me to move back in with them for the month before so planning would be easier. my mother tried to give me a curfew...lol. all moms are the same. and it's not necessarily a bad thing.

Betty WSch. said...

Oh BEtty! You sound so much like me,it's uncanny. I do all those things you mentioned and more. You at least try to hold back on such comments...ME? not so much. I guess that's why my daughters enjoy living alone so much. :)
But I just can't help it! haha

Toriz said...

I'm not a Mom, but I can tell you for a fact I'd be the same way. :)

Linda B. said...

Once a mom, always a mom!

Think we're better off to "let go" of worry. Nice you're enjoying adult stage. Like you said, trust in God.

Judy said...

Sounds very familiar! Our 21 year old moved back in with us. OUr married 23 year old and wife moved in with us, although they now have their own apt. It's a little tricky, i think, because they're adults and you need to let them be adults. But yet everyone needs to be considerate of one another and be allowed to have their own space and be their own people. It can be a difficult thing to manage. But I think it's happening more and more that adult children are moving home. Thank goodness these adult children have parents who love them and allow them back!!!

Tami said...

Oh, I feel for you. So hard not to parent and respect their independence. But then, he's living in your house so you have some rights to parent. At 32, 21 and 20, I try to let our kids make their own life choices, but sometimes they really need someone to step in and say "Are you paying attention to..."

Good luck! :)

The Brown Recluse said...

Ha! Mine doesn't live with me, and I still ask her where she's going, and caution her not to be out too late. Can you imagine if she lived with me??

BTW....if he's living with you, I think it's ok to ask where he's going...besides, that's a normal question to ask.

BelovedBomber said...

When I got married to my hubby I was 20, and he was 22. My mother-in-law called that first year when we were going to watch a Cleveland Browns football game to see if her son had his hat and gloves. I laughed and said I didn't know but if he didnt then I guessed he would be chilly. I think it is probably a natural thing...it is all part of the process. Many blessings to you and much peace in it all :)

Carolina said...

So glad to know that the relationship with kids as they get older gets better. I'm in the middle of the 'teens' and looking forward to when they will want to hang out with me and not think I'm so weird.
My MIL was like that (and I loved her), she would ask if I was hungry, had I eaten, if I had enough light to read with...she would get upset if I picked up Chick-fil-a on the way to her house b/c she thought she wasn't feeding me enough. Not the case! My mother died when I was younger, so it was nice having someone look out for me...even though I had been looking out for myself a really long time! I miss her terribly. She died July 2001.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Heck no you are not alone. Whenever our son tells us about their plans I always, always say "don't drink and drive." Our daughter and SIL have been married for 10 years, have lived here for two years now. I keep telling her to give me a copy of her schedule because I always wonder to myself, should she be up?! It never stops. Funny how when they are under your roof we just can't help ourselves!
She is going out the door and I say do you have something to eat. I do love have adult children, they are our friends. I can't imagine not having a good relationship with them, that would be so hard. I pray for those who don't have what we have. Debby

jack69 said...

Let me guess...... YOU ARE A MOTHER!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH
I loved this oh so honest entry, yeah I was 50 years old and around my mama I would hear, "Did you eat yet?" Better take a coat, it is cold out.

Yep you are a mom! so you are forgiven!!!

Chatty Crone said...

Oh I remember those years and can't say I liked them all that much - teehee.

I think that when three adults live together - that just as you should tell him where you are going he should tell you where he is going. That's the main thing. Because if someone is in an accident - the others need to know.

Other than that - I think everyone can do their own thing.

But what do I know?

Love, sandie

Kathy ... aka Nana said...

My daughter and son-in-law moved back in with us a year after they got married ... it was only for a year, but I had a hard time not worrying about them, worrying if they were going to oversleep, etc. Not just my daughter, but my son-in-law, too! Once a mom, always a mom. ;-)

Rob-bear said...

I've never been a mom, but always wondered a bit about our cubs (ah, er, kids) and where they were, and what they ere doing. Etc.

Aneta said...

I agree with you..I tended to worry more when my YA son lived at home than when he lived away. I, too, would listen for the sound of his car pulling into the driveway late at night and then breathe a sigh of relief. We have had a bit of a boomerang thing going on in the past couple of years. Our youngest (21 yo) just moved out for the second time, and I feel much better about him being on his own this time around. He seemed so ready to be out on his own again. Sometimes it takes longer for some than others to really be ready to fly the coop.

pembrokeshire lass said...

You visited me and now I'm visiting you! Yes Pembrokeshire corgis are world famous. My parents used to have one when I was little. Your post brought back so many memories as my son was away at agricultural college from 18 to about 22. It was very hard readjusting for us all. We eventually moved out 6 years later as he took over the diary farm and we retired. Those 6 years had some very tense times...enough said! So I do sympathise. I think I'll be you newest follower. Joan

Lynda said...

It is definitely more fun when they are older and can be friends and helpers. You are smart to 'pick your battles' and let some things slide even though it is difficult when we love them so much. I don't know the solution to always having them contact you when they won't be there but it seems like it should be a requirement if he is under your roof. However, it's good to hear from you in this new phase of your life.

JosephAlsarraf said...

Well... being a young adult and having to live with my parents, I can relate to the feeling of "not cool to be with your parents" But, I usually don't pay much attention to it. Your son sounds alot like my older brother, he's always going out late and coming home at weird times of the night. I sometimes wonder what he's up to or, where he goes... : )

Marianne said...

So you're telling me there's NO END to all this worry and angst??

I need a drink now.

Great post.

Karen Greenberg said...

I'm 37 years old and my mom still asks me if I have everything I need when I walk out the door! I'm married with two children of my own. I don't ever think you stop thinking like a mom, no matter how old your children are!

Seriously Though said...

Oh yes I can relate to this very well. Both as the one who once was 23 and tried to live with her parents for one month. And also the parent of a 23 year old has moved back in.

Tamera Brose said...

You are in a very big boat with many others. Like many have said, once a parent always a parent.